Well THIS is embarrassing…



I bet ya’ll are wondering exactly why you aren’t being forced to conform to the unreasonable terms of a complete lunatic who would run his clan like a banana republic. Turns out Jagex isn’t as easily convinced by a “poorly-photoshopped piece of garbage” as you scrubs were and won’t grant me leadership of the clan without a notarized copy signed by three witnesses and submitted by a representative of Shiki’s estate. What a bunch of killjoys. Oh, and they also require, in order for a change of power to take place, for the actual clan leader to be dead.

Yeah. Another wrench in my plan: Shiki’s not actually dead. Mixing those hallucinogens into the cake is hard work and I got hungry and, long story short, I never actually left my kitchen that night. I have since learned that what I thought was Kibbles devouring Shiki was actually my pet squirrel laying waste to a basket of strawberries. So, my bad on that false account too. I sort of just assumed that, if I told you Shiki was dead, no one would actually bother digging into my obvious lie even the tiniest bit (like that time I impersonated the Provincial Party Hat Inspector and scammed Flem out of 10b) and that you would all blindly follow me to your doom (like that time I convinced Night Fury I that the dangerous hole in the avatar habitat at the citadel was actually a water slide). Turned out I gravely underestimated you guys this time (except for Night, rest in peace), with Shiki himself leading the investigation into Shiki’s death (kind of unnecessary, if you ask me, but, Bureaucrats, amirite?).

Anyways… I would just ask that bygones be bygones but it turns out all this is SUPER illegal (attempted murder, sedition, identity theft, kidnapping, assault, terrorism, making threats, forgery, war crimes, etc.), and the police are making a REALLY big deal over it, calling me “the next Charles Manson” and saying hurtful things like “Oh dear God!” “You monster!” “Not the children!” and such, so I’m gonna be busy with all that nonsense for a while. They have this idea that I’m some kind of psychopath (the taunting letters to the FBI written on parchment made from human skin probably didn’t do anything to dissuade them from that conclusion)! My lawyer thinks I should just plead insanity, but, personally, I think that’s a bit too easy and I like a challenge. Probably gonna end up going with the famous “catch me if you can! *throws a smoke bomb*” defense. My trial comes up later this summer. Wish me luck!

Anyways, I have a lot of work ahead, so I will leave you with these parting words. To my legions of devoted followers (and those too terrified to stand against me), I leave this message: Do not worry for me, friends. Dr. Bad will return. I will return stronger than ever! My enemies are mere mortals, with the constraints of mortals; they can’t keep me away forever… Its only 193 consecutive life sentences…

Actually, that is kind of forever…

You know what, change of plans.



If you guys need me, I’ll be systematically setting fire to police databases for the next few months. That should make those pesky felony charges go away! If not, it will certainly HEAT things up (ah, a pun about murder! Classic Dr Bad). In the mean-time, go on with your lives and try to stay busy on Runescape participating in fun and exciting activities like fighting bosses, questing, skilling, chatting, and trying to defuse the bomb I’ve hidden somewhere in the clan citadel set to detonate within the next three days (Hint: it could actually be in Rogue’s Den, Rogue’s Castle, or any of your Player Owned Houses [or Ports] instead). I’ll be in touch.


Regards,

Dr Bad, Sensei of the RNC (Yeah, still! I’m, honestly, just as surprised as you. It takes A LOT to get deranked in this clan!)



P.S. Jagex might not accept shoddily-made photoshops as legally-valid but the gnomes had no problem whatsoever accepting Shiki as the signer of the gnome loan I took out earlier this week.



Ka-Ching!